Archive forDecember, 2004

WELL, TONIGHT THANK GOD IT’S THEM, INSTEAD OF USA FOR AFRICA

    An IM conversation with my friend Mike about charity singles (and overwrought opera singers).

(11:30 AM)

MEL: fyi, [Link: Band Aid Dilemma]

CMOM: The 3rd version of “DTKIC?” is still better than the first version of “We Are the World.”

MEL: remember “Give Peace a Chance” during Gulf War I?

CMOM: Uuuuuuugh. Thank you for dredging up that memory I’d buried.

CMOM: Still, that record was better than the pro-troops record from GW1: “Voices That Care

CMOM: …featuring a prominent Michael Bolton.

MEL: what happened to Michael Bolton?

CMOM: He started recording opera (no shit) and then basically retired to play golf

CMOM: …thus sparing the world.

MEL: speaking of opera, i decided what was worse than that Andrea Bocelli number.

MEL: you know the one i’m talking about.

MEL: it’s hearing that god-awful tune being played by a peruvian flute busker in the subway – flat.

CMOM: Wait…the one that plays in every middle-aged housewife’s subruban ranch home? That one? Damned if I know the title.

MEL: yeah, that one.

CMOM: The one with the chest-thumping, swooping trills?

MEL: the one i now have stuck in my head.

CMOM: Sorry, dude.

MEL: well, i brought it up. i can only blame myself.

CMOM: Yourself, and that flautist bastard on the subway.

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BY THE NUMBERS

    One month later: a rundown of our wedding and honeymoon, High Fidelity–style.

TOP FIVE KARAOKE SONGS PERFORMED AT THE SHERATON BAR AFTER THE REHEARSAL DINNER

  • Jimmy Buffett, “Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes”
    Singer: Jamie E.
    Score (average of performance, showmanship): 6.

  • Pet Shop Boys featuring Dusty Springfield, “What Have I Done to Deserve This?”
    Singers: Andrea M., me.
    Score: 4. (The vamp at the end is really hard!)

  • “Get Me to the Church on Time” (from My Fair Lady)
    Singers: Ed F., me.
    Score: 1.

  • Cher, “If I Could Turn Back Time”
    Singer: Sara L.
    Score: 8, mostly for the charmingly sheepish smile on her face.

  • Rush, “Freewill”
    Singer: that drunk guy at the bar.
    Score: 10.

TOP THREE SONGS TO AND FROM THE CHURCH

  • George Baker Selection, “Little Green Bag” – We didn’t hear this one, we sang it, walking down the hall from the Sheraton’s “Presidential Suite” to the elevator, five guys in (nearly) identical black suits. If ya gotta do a cheesy homage to Reservoir Dogs, it might as well be on your wedding day. We even pretended to walk in slo-mo.

  • Crosby, Stills and Nash, “Southern Cross” – Nearing the reception with 10 people crammed into the limo, all a little motion-sick, we were desperate for anything on the radio that wouldn’t make our heads throb. This soft-rock stalwart never sounded so awesome.
  • Metallica, “Enter Sandman” – I wasn’t in the limo for this one, Emily and her bridesmaids were; I heard about it later. Seems we groomsmen left a rock station blaring in there, and the driver left it on when he went to get the ladies. For a good laugh, picture them sitting in their silk and lace finery, flowers tidily on their laps, as the speakers blare, “Eeeee-xit LIGHT!! Eeeen-ter NI-IGHT!!!

TOP THREE INSIDE-JOKE SONGS PLAYED AT THE RECEPTION

  • John Philip Sousa, “The Liberty Bell March” – To half our guests, this was a stately fanfare for our entrance. To the other half, it’s the theme to Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

  • Diana Ross, “I’m Comin’ Out” – Dedicated by me to my Best Man. He had already pre-empted the joke somewhat in his toast earlier: “So Chris and I stayed friends. One of us even started dating girls.”
  • Men Without Hats, “The Safety Dance” – The theme song to the Yale Club event where Emily and I met. We completed the recreation by dancing along with our friend Sara, who was there on that fateful night. (Two simultaneous, attractive dance partners, 6–7 years my junior – yep, that was a good night.)

PERCENTAGE OF OUR WEDDING CD PLAYED BY THE DJ: 77%
Everything on the CD got played except for “Kak shchastliv, kak shchastliv ya!” “White Trash Wedding,” “Forever in My Life” and “Can I Borrow a Feeling?” He even played the Foo Fighters’ thrashy “Everlong” during dinner – for the main course!

PERCENTAGE OF DANCE SONGS TAKEN FROM MY PLAYLIST: 100%
Now there’s a DJ who knows where his bread is buttered.

TOP FIVE SONGS NOT TYPICALLY PLAYED AT WEDDINGS THAT WERE PLAYED AT OURS

  • The Beatles, “All My Loving”

  • James Brown, “Papa’s Got a Brand-New Bag”
  • Deee-lite, “Groove Is in the Heart”
  • The Chic bassline mix: “Good Times”/”Rapper’s Delight”/”Another One Bites the Dust”
  • The Smiths, “How Soon Is Now?”

TOP FIVE CHEESY AMERICAN SONGS ON ITALIAN RADIO DURING OUR HONEYMOON

  • Eminem, “Just Lose It” – Europe has apparently succumbed to Slim Shady, enough to play the hell out of his weakest-ever single. That “Wa-aa-aa-aa-ah!” chant was echoing from street vendors’ boomboxes in Florence.

  • Duran Duran, “(Reach Up for the) Sunrise” – Cheesy but fun, this comeback single has done little business here but appears to be fairly huge over there. It wafted out of several shops we passed through in Rome, even at the airport.
  • Hoobastank, “The Reason” – Ugh. Just when this piece of crap was exiting power rotation on Z100 New York, we had to go to Europe, where it appears to be at a mega-rotation peak.
  • Destiny’s Child, “Lose My Breath” – I went from indifference to ardor on this song, a big fave in Roman restaurants. It’s no “Crazy in Love,” but give it time, it gets better. Emily loves it too.
  • Maroon Friggin’ 5, “She Will Be Loved” – Oh. My. God. Every day, at least twice a day: in cafes, shops, open-air markets, even – no kidding – the Roman Metro, this schmaltz-fest followed us wherever we wandered. I went from indifference to dislike to murderous hatred of this mild little ditty, which, come to think of it, is exactly the kind of innocuous pop the Italians love.

TOP THREE IPOD SELECTIONS ON THE LOOOOONG FLIGHT HOME

  • Astrud Gilberto, João Gilberto & Stan Getz, “The Girl from Ipanema” – Nothing says transatlantic flight quite like this. Soothed my jangled nerves after I’d given up on Love Boat and Happy Days reruns on the mini-TV.

  • Beyoncé, “Crazy in Love” – Emily’s not-so-guilty pleasure. Kept her from biting her nails at hour seven.
  • The Smiths, “There Is a Light that Never Goes Out” – Just happened to pop up on the iPod as we were coming in for a landing. Strangely, nothing sounds more comforting when you’re plummeting toward the runway with your bride by your side than Morrissey crooning, “And if a double-decker bus crashes into us/To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.”

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